tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32735472011-04-21T18:08:30.249-07:00starlitsleep is my comfortstarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comBlogger161100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-1057333513982081362003-07-04T08:45:00.000-07:002003-07-04T08:45:14.010-07:00thats it
I've snapped
I don't like holding things together but truthfully if i never called them
we wouldn't be friends
we wouldn't hang out
If they call me before europe we'll hang out
if they don't
they'll get a post card
I need to feel like i have real people to rely on
people who exist in the day
and do more then talk
and drink
I want to make fewer mistakes
I want to be missed.starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-955144952003-06-10T10:42:00.000-07:002003-06-10T10:42:39.103-07:00i am not even really alive am i? it doesn't feel like it today. these few days i feel fine but something happens and i feel alone. i am alone but i am not going to throw myself into thing i am not going to do anything i am leavign for europe soon anyhow
when i get back it work and school and theatre how can i feel alone? how can i feel like ive lost everyone realstarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-955143992003-06-10T10:39:00.000-07:002003-06-10T10:39:44.476-07:00its a taste
a fear
what does she want i am already alone
she has need for no concern because i am not after anything of hers
i never was
it was always hers anywaystarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-909002052003-03-17T20:01:00.000-08:002003-03-17T20:01:14.746-08:00oh go away judgement and sour taste
leave me alone decisions, time, and space
the future feels like its hunting me i am its prey
falling into a deep hole of easystarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-892838732003-02-17T20:28:00.000-08:002003-02-17T20:28:00.870-08:00honesty is easy when you think no one is listening
you publish something publically for the danger
your telling the secret
you just hope the peopel who find out dont existstarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-892832302003-02-17T20:17:00.000-08:002003-02-17T20:17:10.763-08:00work!!!!starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-112874112002-03-30T12:52:00.000-08:002002-03-30T12:52:30.950-08:00two thought, both of equal ridicule and amusement
dating another... again. this is of the impossible
having a crush/ getting involved with the other
this is the one i want but its just as stupid as the first suggestion
i may as well date brady again. too bad choice number two is just more appealingstarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-112721722002-03-29T22:07:00.000-08:002002-03-29T22:07:17.090-08:00i'm sooo tired...
sleeping and dreaming helps a person learn to live with themselves
its a beautiful thing, i think i may be addicted
i realized this walking past a blurry street lamp on a misty night
groggy from the alcohol i consumed and brushed my feet along the cement counting the steps home and wished upon each star i saw to pass the time it takes to get there.starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-108331272002-03-17T13:02:00.000-08:002002-03-17T13:02:50.396-08:00so it should be an act. because i am supposed to care not because i do. thats what gives her the jealousy. i lie about moral? no. it just seems like the right thingstarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-108063512002-03-16T14:36:00.000-08:002002-03-16T14:36:38.853-08:00when i was younger i would compare photographs. a picture of my mom young compared to her present image and then i would look at a picture of me and wonder how i could look different later and what would change. i never felt growing up before and now when i can its confusing. i dont have any photographs to compare and i cant pin point when it began or how. i have seen friends grow out of me starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-108063362002-03-16T14:35:00.000-08:002002-03-16T14:35:41.480-08:00and the doubt seems to show through.
am i wrong. did i look stupid?
if i am questioning things now it must not have been a dream and i relaly must be as innocent as he had suspected.
when i was younger i would compare photographs. a picture of my mom young compared to her present image and then i would look at a picture of me and wonder how i could look different later and what would change.starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-107679362002-03-15T09:16:00.000-08:002002-03-15T09:16:07.593-08:00what the hell am i doing?
its scary how close i came to the thing i said would never happen. i put myself in the position and kept going and let him. why does it feel right? its not. there were a few facters that might have changed the situation. a condom. birth control. affection? no he gave me affection. he does. but he doesnt care for me. and i dont know if i care about him. i will starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-103905402002-03-04T18:55:00.000-08:002002-03-04T18:55:07.626-08:00what if you let your standard down and no one cared. would i still feel ashamed??starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-103159622002-03-02T18:03:00.000-08:002002-03-02T18:03:15.290-08:00" nikki, i'll give you a box of condoms if you'll let me have one."
ok so i didnt approve. i would have if i was in her position. i hav been there not so far as to fuck but to be physical with a boy that has a girl. its not a good idea and you bad because you didnt care.
maybe i have convinced myself that as long as i am teenager lust is what happens and true eeelings arent. how would starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-97079282002-02-13T20:26:00.000-08:002002-02-13T20:26:03.090-08:00i have to learn not to expect anything, disappointment is poart of life but if my expectations arent high it wont have to be. its all okie, things get alright and peoepl mov eon and get distracted and a pair of strng hands and a broad shouldered boy is wha ti want, and he was one. maybe i shouldnt do this at all. maybe by catagorizing what i want i limit my poisssibilities or i create a list instarnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3273547.post-85282612002-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:002002-01-08T19:15:04.353-08:00i cant seem to take hold of myself and shake it out. everyone knows. why do i do this, he is just as unavailable as the other boys and i suppose he is more attached to his girl now then he would be with me, i wouldnt let him near me would i ? i might shatter not that i am weak by anything but i am if i didnt say no, how do you say not to things you dont want? i havent gotten the hang i guess i starnikkiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15589804156610491765noreply@blogger.com